Human Nature

Last night after dinner, I was doing dishes and Marin asked if she could use my computer to get on YouTube to watch funny cat videos. I said yes, so she began hunting for any kitty that would make her laugh. She watched "Oh, Long John", and then one click lead to another, and I heard her say "Mom! There is a cat dancing to Thriller." She loves that song, and was cracking up at the special effects designed to make the cat appear to dance. I heard the song play for a few minutes and then I heard an abnormally long silence. All of a sudden, Marin gasped loudly, the choking kind of gasp, and screamed "WHAT WAS THAT? WHAT AM I LOOKING AT? MOMMY! MOMMY!" and with total abandon, she threw her body under my desk like she was on fire and slid the chair in front of her as protection. I put the dishes down and went to aid my shrieking child, who was too terrified to even tell me what she had seen that put her in hysterics. "I don't want to talk about it, Mom, because then I might see it again in my head. I am NEVER going on YouTube again. Never." I coaxed her out of her hiding spot, but as soon as her feet hit the ground she took off to the family room and hid between the two couches, screams vigorously renewed. Perplexed, I sat down on the couch and she curled up under my feet.

Me: Marin, will you sit up on the couch with me?

Marin: No, Mama, I might accidentally see your computer with that thing on it.

Me: My computer screen saver is on. It's just our own pictures now. It's fine.

Marin: No. I'm hiding here for the rest of my life.

Me: What did you see?

Marin: I don't know. Something scary. A picture of something. I don't think I can get that picture out of my head, even when I'm 88. This is even more scary than a warning sign.

Me: Tell me what the picture looked like.

Marin: I don't know. Maybe a person, but not really.

Me: I'm going to walk over to the computer and see what you looked at. Maybe I can help you if I know what you saw.

Marin: (sobbing and staying crouched) Ok, but I'm STAYING DOWN LOW.

I went to my computer and activated it. And do you know what it was that put such terror into my six year old? A picture of Michael Jackson, post plastic surgery. The one where the tip of his nose was starting to fall off and his eyes looked like something out of Planet of the Apes in make-up created by a twelve year old. He had weird facial hair and a strange little smile on his face.* It must have been at the end of the video of the cat dancing to Thriller. I walked back over to the couch and tried not to, but I could not help myself. I laughed. I laughed so hard that I couldn't breathe. I laughed so hard that tears ran down my face and the cat jumped off of the couch and ran away. I laughed so hard that even Marin, sobbing at my feet, finally said "What's so funny? THIS IS SCARY, NOT FUNNY."

Trying to explain the correlation of plastic surgery and misery, I basically told her that Michael Jackson was a real weirdo. Ultra talented, but not ok in the head. Tried to explain the problem of fame and fortune. That yes, he was human, but no, I don't know why he intentionally did that to himself.

Marin: (firing questions) How could a person be that scary? Do you think Michael Jackson's doctors thought he looked weird? If they thought that, why did they make him look like that? If I saw him in real life I would be scared, in this weird way that I am now. If I become famous, would I have to change myself like that? I WILL NEVER BE FAMOUS THEN.

We talked some more, her sobs turning to hiccups, and she moved up from the floor to my lap.

Marin: Do you forget things when you're dead? I hope you forget things when you're dead because I need to get that face out of my head, if it takes me the rest of my life.

Me: I don't know. I don't know any dead people that I can ask.

Marin: Will you find out? Look up if any dead people have forgotten things like Michael Jackson's face. Oh. I guess you really can't. (long silence) Mama, how could a person be that scary? Are you sure that was a face? A real face, not a mask?

She did ask me to get the ipad and show her pictures of Michael Jackson before his multiple surgeries, to which she said "Mom, he looked really nice and really normal. Why would he have wanted to do that? Was it to make Thriller a REAL scary video? Because that would make it scary and I WOULD NEVER WATCH IT. In fact, I will never watch it again. I will never use your computer again, I will never be able to forget how his nose was about to fall off and - why did he have girls hair? Do not ever turn your computer on again, don't ever make me look at it, I will never....

And that was the rest of the night's dialogue. This morning's, too.

*I would post that picture here, but I don't think Marin would speak to me ever again.

*Human Nature is a song from the Thriller album.