Shoe Shopping

Fall is here once again, and the cooler weather means that it’s time to do some fall shopping. I need new jeans, a few new shirts, and definitely some shoes. While I adore shoes, I find it kind of a frustrating shopping experience because there are so many types of shoes that I love and were I a gazillionaire, I would find it easy to drop insane amounts of money on shoes. (either that or I would just wear flip-flops every day... I could go either way) But I am not filthy rich, so I am selective and careful about what shoes I buy. Before shopping, I always take inventory of what is still wearable from my closet and assess what needs I have for the season. Currently, I’ve got a sturdy pair of Dansko’s, quite a few ballet and/or flat type shoes, boots galore, and plenty of athletic shoes, but other than the Dansko pair, nothing much in between fancy and casual, at least in the color black. (How did I get so many pairs of silver shoes?) With that in mind, I began shopping. Almost all of the shoes I love are shoes I don’t need even a little bit - heels, wedges, shiny heels, shiny wedges, and light boots. I don’t wear heels anymore after the unfortunate sprain incident from a year and a half ago, so with heels I can look but not touch.

That refined my search to practical. As much as I hate that word, that was the type of shoe that made the most sense. If I bought the pairs that I really wanted, where would I wear them? I am a stay-at-home mom and a part time editor/writer; I do 100% of my work from home. I can’t see myself sitting at my computer all day only to leap up and get Marin from school in the perky wedges that I adore, then running home to help with her homework and cook dinner. So I’m left with practical. Is it weird that I want an office job just to be able to buy less practical shoes? Who am I kidding. I sprained my ankle in a pair of wedges in my own home. I'm stuck with practical.

At the shoe store, I talked with the salesman and told him what I wanted, now that I had my head firmly wrapped around practical. He listened and brought me a bunch of boxes. Most of what he brought me was either approaching the $200 mark or well above it, and I needled him a bit for that. (don’t let my compete lack of jewelry and $9 flip-flops fool you, buddy. I really won’t pay that for shoes.) Then he revealed this much less expensive pair, pictured above.

I did not get excited when I saw them, (except for the more gentle price tag) but I wasn’t repulsed either. But then I put them on and oh holy comfort, they were like walking on a cloud. There was no pinching or squishing or weighted feeling, just soft billowy shoes. I bought them.

When Jon got home that evening, I showed him the clothes I bought (not for his approval necessarily, I just like to play with my new things). There was some eyebrow raising, but not too much; he liked my purchases for the most part, though I do think he always sees my clothing as too practical and relishes the idea of a modestly slutty housewife, a Betty Crocker Pamela type. But gliding on approval, I pulled out my shoes. He stared at them for a while, and - a true phenomenon in the opinion department - said nothing. “You don’t like them.” I said. He laughed. “No. They are so ugly. Horrible. Awful. They are shiny and strange. I hate them.” Surprised, I talked about the comfort, showed him a few of the shoes I currently own, and explained my reasoning. He stopped me and said “Seriously? You should probably be asking one of your friends about this. I don’t claim expertise on women’s shoes.” Good advice. (And, as I would soon discover, a greater truth had never been spoken) I took a picture of my shoes and emailed them to Corene and Lisa. Corene said "Not only are they cute, they look comfortable!" Lisa said "UGLY. So ugly that my reply was forced to be bolded and larger font."

A true dilemma! Two friends whose judgement and taste I totally trust! What to do! When I finished laughing after reading Lisa's reply, a brilliant solution came to me: the next morning, I would drop Marin off at school and make Jon go shopping with me. He didn't have anything to do anyway, is by far the worst bored person I’ve ever known, was at a stand still with the Yeti, so he agreed to go shopping with me. We went to Nordstrom and he starting looking around at the ladies shoes. First he picked up EXHIBIT A. (See below. blogspot won't let me incorporate the pictures into the text. Very annoying.)

I giggled a little and explained that while yes, I do want casual, I needed it to be a little more fancy and feminine. So he brought this to my attention, (see exhibit B.) which just said “little old lady” to me.

"Then this one." He sounded firm. “Put that down.” I whispered. (exhibit C)

He was getting irritated but he kept on. “This?” (see exhibit D)

I gagged. “Jon, old ladies those shoes. Not only do they not have even a slight youthful air, they make toes look like overcooked sausages that would burst if you touched them”. Gross, just gross. Why, why, why did I bring him shopping with me? He put the fancy farm shoes down while I only said one or two more rude things and then reminded him that we were shopping for colder weather. He was back on the hunt.

After more shoes like the examples below, I got it. (see all remaining exhibits) He likes his girls butch. In fact, based on the shoes he presented to me, I think he was harboring a fantasy about me being a butch little old lady. A lesbian Betty Crocker Pamela in butch shoes! I said this to him, and we simultaneously called off the shopping spree, agreed that the original shoes were keepers, and decided to get lunch. He just asked that I not wear my new shiny shoes on a date with him.

I think that’s fair.