Here Is A List of Things That I Will Never Like: VOLUME I

Many years ago, I was reading one of my Calvin and Hobbes collection books. Calvin made a list titled “Here is a list of things that I will never like.” The idea stuck with me, as great ideas tend to. (Really, in terms of “great”, Calvin and Hobbes falls just slightly below Shakespeare, Lost, Ryan Adams, David Sedaris and Van Gogh.)

I was reminded of how important it is to have a list like this when Jon asked me today: “Do you have any stamps?” To which I replied “No.” He said “No? You don’t?” Again, I said (and I really hate repetition) “No.” Jon asked “Well, what happened to them? You had some a while ago.” I replied “The usual thing happened to them. I put them on envelopes and sent them out.” “All of them?” And I replied “Again, that is what I implied in answering NO when you asked if I had any stamps.” He appeared dumbfounded and then asked “Why are you laughing?”

Because stupid questions always make me laugh? It was a real problem of mine when I was teaching 9th grade.

Here is a list of things that I will never like: (not in order, because... who has the time to do that?)

1. Stupid questions.
2. Whistling. Does anyone like other people’s whistling?
3. When Marin says “I know a noise that everyone hates!” And then she makes the noise.
4. Watching a horse/dog/cat/tiger/bear/dolphin die in a movie.
5. Hearing someone tell about the time their horse/dog/cat/tiger/bear/dolphin died.
6. Melon fake-flavored anything. (candy, gum, shampoo)
7. Words that end in rrhea (diarrhea, gonorrhea, seborrhea…)
8. Drying off with a cold, wet towel. Or someone using my nice, clean towel as their own.
9. Cat litter. The cat box in general. I do not have good feelings about this box.
10. Goat cheese. It tastes like goats smell - pungent, sour, ripe.
11. Retail workers who answer the phone while they are “helping” me.
12. When women let their toes or heels hang over the edge of their shoes, namely because their shoes are a size too small.
13. Going into a bathroom stall after someone three times my age comes out.
14. Sweet potatoes with marshmallows.
15. I don’t have superpowers.
16. Any TV show like Toddlers and Tiaras, Dance Moms... I would rather eat sweet potatoes with marshmallows than watch those shows.
17. Wal-Mart. Unless I’m looking at the site www.peopleofwalmart.com, and then I'm deeply thankful for Wal-Mart.
18. Cat hair on my pillow.
19. When my cat sneezes on me in the middle of the night.
20. The smell of unwashed hair. (I’m talking to you, Mr. Stringyhair from the card isle)
21. Making small talk with weird people.
22. Crazy grammatical errors like “I could of done that.” or “Don’t take that personal.”
23. Someone talking to me while I’m on the phone with someone else.
24. Loud breathers. Nose breathers, too.
25. Trying to sleep in a hot room.
26. A great book coming to an end.
27. Sticking a hook through a minnow.
28. Taking Marin to a public restroom.
29. When the dryer beeps at me to indicate it’s finished but the clothes are, in fact, not dry.
30. The incessant itch of Mosquito bites.
31. Loud popcorn eaters in a movie. (crunch, cruch, crunch, dig, dig, dig, crunch...) On that note, people who take too long to open their Twizzlers, too. Cellophane and auditory entertainment do not mix well.
32. Small creatures (namely my child, my dog, my cat) running in front of me while I’m trying to get somewhere quickly.
33. James Taylor. Actually, I don't think of him enough to put him on this list. But I heard his grating voice yesterday, and I'm still getting over it.
34. Applebees.
35. Sweetened iced tea. (In the south, it's called Sweet N' Nasty. Say it quickly a few times and you'll see why...)
36. That I don’t live beside an ocean.
37. The way gum feels after it's been in my mouth for longer than three minutes.
38. Peeps.