The Best and Worst of 2010

A few nights ago, I sat down on the couch next to Jon and asked him what he recalled about this past year. We do this every year, talk about the last 12 months, make a best and worst list for the year and laugh, eye roll, talk about what things we can actually write about on this blog, and have a few moments of grief thinking about the not so good things that came to pass. This year, though, Jon said "I don't remember a thing. Not one thing." I prodded him a little, saying - best thing that happened? He shook his head. Worst thing? More head shaking. "Ok, let's start easy. Your favorite movie that came out this year?" He said "I don't know, Dark Knight?" I threw my pen on the table and he asked me what was wrong. That Dark Knight, his favorite movie, came out two full years ago had completely escaped his attention, so I could only assume that some larger moments of the year had as well. I reviewed some basics: Marin started kindergarten, we finished the basement and he nodded, as though pulling a string with a knot through a tiny hole. I don't complain about Jon much, but I do frequently rail on him for not listening to me, for forgetting monumental things I have told him - dates, times, people coming to visit etc. Now I know for sure that it has nothing to do with me, that the guy has been overloaded to a point where everything has just started to blend together. He travels constantly and always stays in Marriotts, so every room looks alike. When he wakes up in the night, he said it takes him forever - frequently has to check the hotel phone - to remember where the heck he is. I think he lives so completely inside that mad scientist brain of his that some of the present moments pass him by as he is inventing a new cryptex or fountain or something.

So this list, unlike the past lists, is compiled by me alone, which will account for it being less diverse than it used to be. Marin helped a bit because her memory is a scientific freak of nature, but her attention span is a tad brief.

This year was significant for me in many ways, but mostly so in that I realized that I have been waiting for years for things to slow down, for stress to ease up, but that hasn't happened. This year I was able to shrug my shoulders and say on with it then! It has been a time of looking back, letting go, and moving on. My grandpa died this year; Jon's did too. I continue to struggle with Meniere's Disease and have embarrassing balance issues that would lead others to make incorrect assumptions about my alcohol consumption. (Yes, I did just slam into that wall. No, I've only had a sip or two of this wine.) We visited a friend in the hospital who was lying in a coma, his life hanging on a fragile balance of hope and prayer, medicine and luck. Our friend played one of the most significant and important supporting roles in my life, for years ago, when I was 25, he introduced me to Jon. Were it not for him, I would not have this life, this marriage, this beautiful child and I am thankful for him. The impact, the sometimes careless, sometimes deliberate impact we have on one another continues to impress me.

And finally, this year, I think I am beginning to grow comfortable in my own skin. Sure, I've had days, moments, even weeks of it at a time, but I've found myself over the years trying on and taking off varying attitudes and personas to a small extent. Now, I'm finding it easier to say this is who I am. (If I could just get that comfortable saying this is what I believe, I would really be making progress. How are so many of you so stinkin' sure of your opinions? I both marvel at that and recoil from it at the same time. ;) I had a teeny tiny revelation about my discomfort in being me watching, of all things, Glee. The battle between Will and Sue - watching Will try so many different things as a teacher, as a person etc, some with success, some with failure and I completely identified with him at times that I didn't want to because he has no idea who he is. But I wanted to be more like Sue, just a nicer, less heinous, more human Sue. One thing you cannot say about her is that she doesn't know who she is and that is why I love to watch her.

On with it then...

Best: All of our travels. (Akumal, Disneyland, San Diego, Kansas City, Dallas twice, Wichita Falls, Canada, North Dakota, Vaughn Lake in Colorado, Breckenridge and Jon hiked into the Black Canyon.)

Worst: Two things: 1) Seeing Steve in a coma. 2) Landing myself in the hospital after I threw up uncontrollably all over the Ritz Carlton. As Marin would say, gross and scary.

Most Significant: Marin started kindergarten. Yes, I was one of the mom's crying quietly behind my sunglasses as she walked in line into her classroom.

Most Delightful Realization: Marin laughs in her sleep. Constantly.

Thing I Want Most: A memory chip installed in Jon's brain.

Most Proud Of: The way my family celebrated my grandpa's life. We put our kids to bed and sat in a tiny hotel room for hours laughing, talking, and laughing until we had cramps. (My mom picked up her camera and said "Hello?" after her phone rang.) I cannot believe we didn't get a phone call from Hotel Management. My grandpa would have been proud.

Most Challenging: Marin's Sensory Processing Disorder diagnosis. She's a sensory avoider. Everything is too loud, too bright, too smelly, too disorganized, too weird. (broccoli, I am talking to you.)

Coolest Moment: Riding Space Mountain at Disneyland for the first time with Marin. I rode in front, Jon and Marin behind me, and I sat through the whole ride in utter terror at how she must be feeling, riding a roller coaster through the dark at a high speed with music blasting. We got off, though, and she said "Let's do that again!"

Most Peaceful: Lying on the beach in Akumal. I think I can set records for how long I can lie on a beach without moving.

Most Joyful: Any moment with Marin. Watching her play on the beach, watching stars and planets with her, riding rides at Disneyland - that child has joy dancing out of her when she's in her element. (Oh, thank you, Mom. Thank you for bringing me here.)

Most Thankful For: The life that I have. It is mine and I plan to use it well.

Greatest Embarrassment: Any moment in a public restroom with Marin. An SPD kid sensitive to smells, Mom, it smells really, really bad in here. sights, Agh! What is that? Where is the scrub brush? sounds, Who did that? and finally, coming home from Disneyland when I heard her suddenly burst into hysterics. (Me, pounding on the stall door. "Marin? What's wrong? Are you ok?" Marin: It got sucked back up, Mom. I had to go, I really did. But it got sucked back up and I don't have to go now.") The giggles from the other stalls didn't help.

Best Book: Those Who Save Us and Unbroken

Most Profound: Marin's thoughts on God, which she says are very complicated because she can't see him or talk to him. But she claims that she was there when God made the stars and the planets, that we were all there when the universe began just waiting to take our place in the world.

Most Fun: Finishing the basement. I absolutely loved the planning process and picking out the materials and was so sad when it was all finished. I love it and I have thrown many parties down there, but I need something else now to throw my creative energies into.

Learned Most About: Planets. Prior to this year, I knew their names and that was it. Now, thanks to Marin, I know their rotational speeds, their temperatures, how many moons they each have, and which planet could float in a bathtub.

For this coming year, I vow to learn two new skills, one important, one ridiculous. Maybe I will learn how to turn on the grill. Maybe I will learn to play pool since there is now a pool table sitting in my basement. Maybe I'll start learing Spanish along with Marin. Maybe I will become less of a perfectionist. Maybe we will sell our house and travel more. Maybe. But for now, I am going to post this - without editing it. (Those of you who know me well know that is a step in becoming less perfectionistic as my imaginary red pen is always itching to move.) But - and I say this without sentiment because sentiment makes me uncomfortable - for sure I'm going to vow to be the best me that I can be this year.